Have you ever heard the expression “It takes a village”? When it comes to raising children this is true! Think about all the people who influence your child/children’s lives. This could include teachers, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, siblings, and so many more. Everyone’s support system or “village” may look a little different but ultimately raising children takes more than one person.

What is co-parenting?

Co-parenting is sharing the responsibility of parenting with someone else. It is usually thought of in the context of divorce or separation where the partners have kids together and share custody. This is indeed co-parenting but not the only form of it. The phrase “primary caregiver” refers to a person who takes full responsibility for someone (in this case a child) who cannot take the full responsibility for themselves. If a primary caregiver (or parent) shares this responsibility with another person that is co-parenting. A single parent may call on the support of parents or their child’s grandparents and form a co-parenting relationship. A couple with kids from previous relationships may be in a co-parenting relationship with their previous partners/ex’s. A married couple with children may need help from an aunt, uncle, or grandparent sometimes and form a co-parenting relationship. Couples in a committed relationship who have children together are in a co-parenting relationship as well as a romantic partnership. Any time the primary caregiving is done by more than one person, this may be co-parenting. 

1.  Identify the co-parent in your child’s life. To identify co-parents in your child’s life, ask yourself a few questions.     

• If you are your child’s primary caregiver, do you share time and/or parenting responsibilities with         anyone else? *If yes, you are most likely in a co-parenting relationship* If so, who (your spouse, current partner, previous partner/ ex, your parents, your child’s grandparents)? *This person is most likely a co-parent*

• If you are not your child’s/children’s primary caregiver, do you share time and/or parenting responsibilities with your child’s primary caregiver?  *If yes, you are most likely in a co-parenting relationship* If so, who is your child’s primary caregiver (your spouse, current partner, previous partner/ ex, your parents, your child’s grandparents)?  *This person is most likely a co-parent*
  

Hopefully these questions helped clarify things. It is also possible to be co-parenting with more than one person. For example, you may be co-parenting with your parents (your child’s grandma and grandpa) or your previous partner/ex, his/her new partner, and your new partner. As you can see, things can get complicated but that’s ok because all our “villages” look a little different. Once you identify if you are in a co-parenting relationship and with whom, you can work to strengthen that relationship for the good of your child. You don’t have to raise your child/children alone, and sometimes you don’t get to even if you wanted to. Whether you are co-parenting your child/children with your current partner, your previous partner/ex, or a friend, a family member like your parent, grandparent, or sibling, using effective co-parenting strategies will benefit your child/children.

2.  Effective communication. Who doesn’t need more communication? I believe everyone can use a little more communication. In the context of co-parenting what I mean by communication is filling each other in on what’s happening so you can stay on the same page. It’s important to share what has been happening in your child’s life with your co-parent. Find time to fill your co-parent in, discuss your ideas about parenting decisions, and even your hopes for your child’s/children’s future. Steps 3-5 depend on communication with your co-parent, so give it a try. If it is particularly difficult to have a civil conversation with your co-parent try to start with a topic that is easier to talk about (e.g. “I noticed that our daughter had a good day at school today and she did well on her math test”) or discuss how you would like to improve your communication with your co-parent (e.g. “I would really like it if you and I could talk more, I think we can be a better parenting team if we do”). When you talk to your co-parent be sure to focus on your own thoughts and feelings and not the things you think your co-parent is doing wrong.

3.  Don’t put your child/children in the middle. On the subject of communication, it is important that you don’t communicate with your co-parent through your child/children. Instead, talk to your co-parent yourself, preferably out of earshot from your child/children. Sometimes it is much easier to give your child a message from you for your co-parent (e.g. “Tell your grandma I will be late to come get you on Friday because I have an important work meeting”). Even if the message is simple, and does not seem harmful, don’t do it. Communicate with your co-parent first and then tell your child what’s going on (e.g. “I have a meeting on Friday at work so your grandma and I agreed that even though I will be a little late picking you up, you two are going to have fun baking cookies together”). It is very tempting and easy to put your child in the middle but this will give your child a role in their parenting and cause unneeded stress. Imagine that you need your car fixed so you take it to a mechanic. Now what if the mechanic walked you through the steps to fix your car yourself and sent you on your way. What would you feel? Confused? Disappointed? Angry? Excited for a new challenge? Privileged in receiving such knowledge? It’s great that the mechanic taught you a new skill, but that’s not the service you needed. You went to the mechanic to get your car fixed, not get instructions on how to fix it yourself. In the same way that you need your car repaired by the mechanic, your child/children need you to parent them. When you put your child/children in the middle of the parenting relationship, you are putting them in a co-parenting role. They may want to be in the co-parenting role and they may like it, as some people like to fix their own cars, but that is not the service you are providing. You and your co-parent are there to parent your child/children, not give them the power to parent themselves.

4.  Present a united front. If it has been decided that what’s best for your child is to have split custody, even if you disagree, present a united front with your co-parent. It is not effective to express to your child that this was not your idea and you don’t like it (e.g. “I hate that I only see you x days per month, it’s your fathers fault”). It is ok to express how you feel without throwing your co-parent under the bus (e.g. “I really miss you on the days that I don’t get to see you. It hard for me to not see you all the time and I’m sure it’s also hard for your father to not see you all the time”). Find something you agree on, in the situation above, you may both agree that it sucks to not get to see your child/children all the time.  It’s hard to get anything done if you and your co-parent are fighting a civil war. You don’t have to like each other (it wouldn’t hurt if you did though) to effectively co-parent. If you and your co-parent are in high conflict, your child/children will know. It doesn’t matter if you are the most careful person in the world and you hide all the evidence of conflict from your child/children, they will sense that something is wrong. When this happens children tend to do everything in their power to make things right which may look like acting out or behavioral issues to force you into communicating and co-parenting with your co-parent. The problem is this doesn’t always work and even if it does, it causes your child unneeded stress. If you don’t like your co-parent, or even if you do, it is important to think about your child/children and put your differences aside for them. Get on the same page as your co-parent and stop fighting a civil war. I am sure that both parties want your child/children to live a safe, healthy, and happy life. You are on the same team. 

5.  Provide consistency and routine for your child/children. Children benefit greatly from routine and consistency. Uncertainty can be very scary for a child and a lack of consistency can cause your child unneeded stress and may lead to acting out or behavioral issues.  It may be difficult to agree in a co-parenting situation. Try to find anything, no matter how small it may seem, that you and your co-parent can agree on to give your child/children consistency. This could be as simple as what time you have dinner each night, or your morning/bed time routine. If your child has dinner at 5pm when at your co-parents’ house and 6pm at your house, try to come to a compromise and agree to have dinner at 5:30pm every night so regardless of where they are, you child knows dinner is at 5:30pm. If it is not possible to find a compromise and offer consistency between houses, at least give your child consistency in each house. It is good enough if you have dinner every night at 6pm with your child/children and your co-parent has dinner every night at 5pm with your child/children. As long as you are providing as much consistency as possible, your child/children will benefit. An example of a common challenge is a bed time routine. If you have a specific bed time routine that has been working, stick to it every night so your child knows what bed time looks like at your house. If you don’t have a specific bed time routine, it’s time to implement one and/or ask your co-parent what they do. It could involve queuing your child for bed, “time for bed”, then brushing teeth together, then having a little tickle time followed by a song or a story. I don’t think bed time is as easy as I just made it sound, but if you stick to a routine it will get easier over time.



It is difficult to implement change all at once. If these strategies seem feasible to you I would recommend trying them out one at a time, starting with #1 and #2, and then work from easiest to hardest. If you and your co-parent are able to work together to implement these strategies, your child/children will benefit. I hope this has been helpful and you can do it! Good luck and happy co-parenting everyone!

-Aimee Robertson, M.A.

Here's a little psychology humor for you.  Happy Wednesday!

I recently stumbled across this fantastic organization (loveisrespect.org), and their website has a ton of information about healthy relationships, boundaries, relationship abuse, and how to seek help.  Definitely worth checking out:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/


They even have quizes you can take to test your knowledge of healthy relationships, dating abuse, and more:

http://www.loveisrespect.org/#quizhome

Have you ever gone to someone for advice, only to feel dissatisfied with the response you get?  Perhaps it was because you weren’t really looking for advice at all…

Often times we seek out our friends, family, or therapists asking for advice regarding what they think we should do.  Similarly, I am sure you have had friends come to you with problems that leave you feeling at a loss as to how to best help them, so you start offering advice and suggestions until something sticks. While it can be nice to hear someone else’s perspective, advice it is just that- someone else’s perspective. Part of why receiving advice may feel unfulfilling is because you were not actually seeking advice at all.  It may be that what you are actually looking for in those moments of reaching out is emotional support. You may be wondering, “What is the difference between advice and emotional support? They seem pretty similar.”  Although the two can be similar, there are some key differences between them, and they serve very different roles.

Advice is the act of providing someone a suggestion or recommendation on how they should proceed on a future action.  By definition, when someone else gives you advice, they are using their own subjective experiences from their life to take your situation and make a decision on how they feel the best way is for you to proceed.  Essentially, by asking for advice you are relying on someone else to make a decision for you on how they would proceed if they were in your shoes.  Advice is certainly helpful, especially if you are completely unsure of what your options are or already have an idea of what you want to do and just want someone to validate that decision for you.  This is great for lighter decision-making issues.  However, when you are facing a more complicated challenge, seeking advice from others can sometimes be a “quick fix” which causes both parties to miss the underlying issue altogether.  If you are experiencing a more complex challenge that warrants advice, you probably want to know that someone else can understand what you are going through.

In contrast, emotional support involves the sensitive understanding of someone else’s emotional experience.  It is the action of actively listening, understanding, and validating how someone else is feeling.  It might sound like a basic concept, but it is amazing how often people miss key opportunities to provide emotional support for others.  It is difficult to sit with and tolerate your own negative emotions, let alone someone else’s.  Imagine if a dear friend opened up about a bad breakup, how depressed they have been feeling, their anxiety that has gotten worse, or how stressed they have been feeling about work.  How would it make you feel to hear your friend divulge their struggles to you?  It is so hard to see the people we love experiencing pain and negative emotions.  This is why so many people are compelled to try to make that experience stop as quickly as possible.  You might feel a strong pull to offer advice on how to make that negative emotion stop right away.  By giving advice, although we mean well, the underlying message you are giving is, “I cannot tolerate you feeling this way, so let’s figure out a way to make this stop as quickly as possible.”  I am not saying that there isn’t a time and place for advice.  There definitely is.  But that should not be the first line of defense.  Most of the time, if someone is reaching out to you, they want to know that someone else can understand what they are going through.  Once someone feels that someone else really understands what they are experiencing, advice may not even be necessary. 

It takes practice being able to tolerate negative emotions, but with time, you might find that being able to provide emotional support rather than advice helps to promote emotional connectivity and brings you closer to others.  There is no right or wrong way to provide emotional support for someone.  However, there are some key components that are important and facilitate emotional support.

1)   Be present. While it is easy for minds to wander or to feel uncomfortable seeing someone else in pain, know that it is probably equally challenging for them to be vulnerable and open up to you.  Be fully attentive and engaged with the other person, and let them know they have your full attention.

2)   Actively listen.  Focus on what they are saying and allow them to speak.  Often this is where people become drawn to offer advice or talk about their own experiences to help the other person ‘feel better’.  However, doing this can actually make them feel like they are not being heard.  Really listen to what they are saying, including the underlying feelings they are expressing.

3)   Validate their feelings.  Summarize or reflect back what you have heard them saying.  Let them know that you heard the emotion underlying what they are telling you, and allow yourself to be authentic in sharing it back with them.  If they are not sure how they feel themselves, you can always share with them how you perceive that they might be feeling.  If you were wrong, they will tell you.  And it may help them to better figure out how they are actually feeling. 

4)   Don’t assume.  As I stated above, this is the point where you may feel compelled to offer advice.  Instead, ask them how you can best support them through whatever they are dealing with.  Every person deals with things differently, and what may be helpful for you may not be what that person needs.  They know best what they need, so the best way to find out is to ask them.  If they don’t know or do not seem to know what they want or need, you can offer some suggestions and see what they think might help best.

5)   Be authentic and genuine.  This should be a given, but don’t try to be anything other than who you are.  If talking about sad things with them makes you feel sad, be sad!  Sharing your authentic feelings and reactions with someone you care about models for them that it is okay for them to be vulnerable and sharing their feelings with you. It also reminds them that we are all human and we all have emotions.


By learning to provide emotional support for others, I hope you will find that your relationships grow closer and more fulfilling.  However, sometimes the issues we face require a little more help.  This is where therapy comes into play. Therapists are specialists with a deeper understanding of human nature, and are trained to provide the emotional support, insight, and navigation of stressors required to help you overcome your challenges and become the best version of yourself.  I often meet with clients who look to me as the ‘expert’ for advice.  And typically those who come into therapy seeking advice are the people who are in the most pain or are the most anxious about having to rely on themselves for direction.  However, as a psychologist, I firmly believe that you are the expert on you.  Advice is not therapy.  My aim is to provide my clients with emotional support and space to process so that they can get to a place where advice is no longer necessary.  Trust that you are very capable of finding the answers on your own.

Happy Friday!  Make sure you take some time for some quality self-care this weekend.

At 8am this morning as I sat on my couch in my living room, my husband shared a news story with me about a 22 year old college student named Elliot Rodger who went on a shooting spree in Isla Vista, CA last night. As he read me the horrifying story about the lonely and angry young man who wanted revenge on all of humanity because of the countless women who wouldn't date him, my comment was, "If only his parents has gotten him some help". My husband looked at me confused and said, "He is 22 years old. It's not like his parents can force him to go to therapy or anything". I explained that at some point, this 22 year old was a teenager, a child, who lived with his parents. And I am sure that his problems aren't new, and had probably been going on for quite some time. This level of anger and depression doesn't happen over night.

Then we watched the YouTube video that Elliot had posted days before his shooting spree (since then, the video has been taken down). What I saw made my stomach drop. A young Caucasian male (who apparently grew up in Calabasas) sitting in his BMW, detailing his rage, anger, depression, feelings of loneliness and rejection, and his plans for revenge and murder. But the part of the video that stood out most to me wasn't what Elliot was saying. It was how he was saying it. An odd pattern of speech, a lack of understanding about social interactions and conventions, a repetitive pattern and usage of language, and a very stereotyped version of a maniacal laugh, dramatic pauses, and hand gestures. This kid likely had Asperger's Syndrome. Another story that will probably give autism spectrum disorders negative publicity and a bad rap.

How does it come to be that, after the media investigates the killers, so many of these kids end up being on the spectrum? Let's take a look at what Asperger's and Autism are at their core... Difficulties with social interactions, and a lack of understanding about others emotions and social conventions. Unfortunately, too often these kids are bullied and teased growing up, causing them to be angry, lonely, and depressed. Take a kid like that, throw in poor coping skills and a lack of social support, and you can begin to imagine where things could go wrong.

And that is where mental health services come in. If parents are aware that their children are struggling, the earlier they step in and seek help, the better. For any struggling child, but especially for kids on the spectrum, mental health services can make a significant positive impact. In Elliot Rodger's YouTube video, he mentioned that his difficulties with depression and loneliness began during puberty. I cannot speak to any support, interventions, or therapy he may or may not have had, but I can say that at the age of 22, if he had gotten help right when his problems began back when he hit puberty, there is a chance that his anger may not have been so lethal as it was last night.

So please, if you, your children, or any loved one is struggling, please seek help. Therapy and other mental health services can be a life saver not only for them or yourself, but for others around them.

Thank you for visiting my website.  I hope that you take your time to peruse my website, and explore the different therapeutic services I offer.  Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or comments you may have.  I will frequently be updating my blog with interesting information, articles, and stories, so please be sure to come back frequently to check out new additions!

-Dr. Jenn